My “kicking-my-eating disorder-experiment”


agony_and_strenght___scream_of_emptiness_by_paulinamedeponaarts-da0ztf9

I have suffered from an eating disorder for 10+ years. Those days are now very numbered!

Did an experiment!
Tried ONLY eating fast food (microwaved pizzas and meals), chips, halv-fabricated foods and such (like how many people do eat) for two days.
 
I have recently kicked my eating disorder in the balls and these days I can eat normally without overeating (bulimia with anorectic tendencies has been my thing for over 10 years, meaning I have been binge eating and then stopped eating for a while, before bingeing again and over and over again – putting a huge stress on my body and mind).
I have lost weight for the first time in my life and felt like I’m eating a lot while doing it (because I eat smaller, NORMAL amounts). The stress over food is gone now, that’s why I could do this “test” to partly see if my disorder is in recess and partly to see the real effect on my body now when I’m responsive to how my body feels (before I could cram in Pizzas, chocolate and chips in excess and then purge it through not eating for a day or two and exercise while having HUGE anxiety all the time).
I was crippled and house-bound for years with this disorder, only going out when I really needed to. I was in school when it was at its worst and it caused me huge stress and anxiety every moment of my days. Distorted way of seeing myself dominated my thoughts. I felt huge, ugly and unworthy.
It has taken til now to NOT over-eat. My “chubby frame” (I mean, I have never been heavier than 78 kilo to my 177 cm but my real constitution is much slimmer) has been the result. If I had not exercised a lot I would probably have weighed over 100 kilo.
But these days, as I already stated, I am more responsive to my body. I eat til I’m full and then I stop. I don’t have to clear my plate or candy-bag straight away. Which is a HUGE step for me. The eating disorder will always be latent under the surface but these days it feels “quiet”. I have so much other things to focus on that is much more important!
That’s why I felt I could “test” myself to go back to my usual “binge-foods” and eat like “many people do”. To have all that food in the house and still not eat away was a test I passed with good margin.
It went well and now I have a few observations in mind!
 
– What struck me is the amounts of the “normal-people food” (fast food) I could cram in, while my “usual routine” fills me up on much smaller amounts!
– Also that I felt hungrier shorter afterwards. And TIRED very quickly!
– I got so very BORED of the bland “fabricated foods” very quick because I’m used to much more “natural flavored food”.
Now I am back on my “half-LCHF-diet” again and suddenly I feel full on smaller amounts again, and stays fuller for longer.
My usual diet consists of small amounts of carbs (less than the recommended portions, about half I reckon), like pasta (I usually make my own), brown rice, potatoes (when the Swedish ones are in season), porridge of different kind and home made bread, plus eggs, milk products (I use full fat cream and milk, sometimes I buy cheese), beans, fish and occasionally I eat meat (usually Swedish and local meat).
I always make the foods myself and never buy “ready foods” that is seasoned and ready. On occasion I treat myself with chocolate and some candy but very small amounts because I get satisfied on small amounts of that. And I go out for pizza sometimes with friends (when I don’t make my own of course 😉 )!
I tried strict LCHF last winter but it was not for me, because it needs more careful planning if I want to exercise on it and not feel powerless half-way-through. Plus I had to eat so much meat to make it work. I prefer not eating THAT much meat. So I got back to eating small amounts of carbs again and now I feel good about it. The food gives me energy to move!
My usual diet is healthy and I eat a little bit of everything, with the exception that I avoid ready-meals and big amounts of meat. When I eat a bit of everything and not forbid myself to eat some stuff, my eating disorder keeps away!
I also exercise a lot. I take the bike about 15 km for more than 5 days a week sometimes, I ride, I jog with my horse (she jogs, I run like crazy trying to keep up with her x)), I take long walks when I’m not working. I did the gym last winter when “outdoor-activities” where limited but now when the summer is here I am outside as much as I can. I also do a lot of gardening.
I have finally found a balance in my every day life and it’s such FREEDOM to not be stuck in my eating disordered ways 🙂
This experiment taught me that I am not a junk-food-junkie because I am too hooked on “healthy foods” that I don’t see it as an “exception”. To me healthy eating and cooking good food (I LOVE cooking) is the normal thing. And it also taught me:
– I FINALLY have control over my eating disorder and my LIFE! For the first time EVER!
I have always said; When I am feeling good I am loosing weight. And that is what has started to happen now. My “normal” body frame is coming back (which is slim but not skinny).
Art-wise it has not been much lately, due to working overtime (11 hour night shifts and more of them than usual), which means not enough time to “get the juices flowing”. But next week I am going on vacation! I have so many ideas that are just WAITING to be done 😀 I have a big exhibition coming up in September at the festival Mörkaste Småland!
Yours truly
//Paulina Medepona
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About PaulinaMedeponaArts

Art creator with many projects going on! Drawings, paintings and photography. I paint/draw concert- and film images for fun, very keen on portraits!
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